Yanukovych’s Ukraine – Absurdistan
By Alexander J. Motyl,
World Affairs Journal,
August 10, 2012
Regionnaire-ruled Ukraine moved a few notches closer to becoming a
Surrealistic country this summer. Judge for yourselves.
On June 22nd, the Dzerkalo tyzhnya weekly reported on a really swell strategic
defence initiative developed by Ukraine’s Minister of Defence, the tough-guy brawler
and pogromchik Dmitri Salamatin. The Minister’s got his
thinking cap on, and he’s come up with 78 new forms of “economic activities”
for Ukraine’s under funded, undernourished, and under
trained armed forces. If Dmitri has his way, Ukraine’s soldiers will soon be
raising cattle, horses, birds, pigs, sheep, and goats and growing berries,
nuts, and fruits. Hey, who needs NATO, when you’ve got swine in your backyard?
So remember, next time you have a steak in Ukraine, you’re really helping
Dmitri of the Big Fists transform Ukraine’s soldiers into a world-class
fighting force.
Peanuts, anyone?
On July 4th, the Ukrainian Parliament approved
draft law No. 9634, which relieves state-owned enterprises from the obligation
of engaging in tenders when procuring a whole bunch of goodies such as land,
property, services, and other products. Unsurprisingly, President Yanukovych
subsequently signed the bill. To be sure, Ukraine’s tenders have historically been rigged, but
the brazenness of the Regionnaires’ open endorsement of graft, theft, and
kickbacks is jaw-droppingly spectacular. On the other hand, what the hell,
right? Why pretend football stadiums and airport terminals cost twice as much
as they should cost? Why not streamline theft by removing all that red tape?
Heck, why not really streamline things and just get rid of the budget? Jeez,
why not declare Ukraine the President’s estate and be done with all
those stupid little formalities such as elections, parties, newspapers, and so
on?
But wait, things got better.
On July 12th, Russian President Vladimir Putin
was supposed to meet Yanukovych in Yalta for a high-level pow-wow. Putin was more than four hours late. Reasons
of state? A sudden illness? An ingrown toenail? Another invasion by that hotbed
of imperialist aggression, Georgia? Nyet. Turns out that Russia’s Great Leader was flexing his muscles with a
biker gang. Here’s how the Interfax news agency described the event.
Russia’s President Vladimir Putin started his
current visit to Ukraine from [sic] dropping in a bikers’ club called Night Wolves near the city of Sevastopol.
Mr. Putin is a frequent visitor of bikers’
shows, and in the club, he met many of his old friends, including the club’s
head Alexander Zaldostanov, more known under his nickname “Surgeon.”
“Surgeon” invited Mr. Putin to a show which is
due to take place in his club on July 20 and 21.
In 2013, the Night Wolves are planning a show
devoted to the 70th anniversary of the Stalingrad battle, one of the most decisive battles of
WWII. In 2014, they are planning a large-scale meeting of Russian, Ukrainian
and Serbian bikers in Serbia.
After visiting the club, Vladimir Putin went
to the city of Yalta to hold talks with Ukraine’s President Viktor Yanukovych.
The two presidents are going to discuss
Russian-Ukrainian economic cooperation and acute problems of the world
politics, including the Syrian issue.
What, you ask, was Yanukovych doing in the
meantime? Clipping his fingernails? Cracking jokes with his entourage?
Envisioning life in Zimbabwe after democracy returns to Ukraine? Trying to hire “Surgeon” as his Minister of
Health?
Had enough?
On July 24th, the civic group Chesno (“Honestly”), which monitors corruption in
the Rada, published its survey of Ukraine’s current parliamentarians. As it turns out,
of 449 deputies, only three received a clean bill of health. All the others
were involved in various forms of dishonesty, corruption, shenanigans, and the
like. In case you’re wondering, that translates into 0.66 percent. The only
good news is that all three were not Regionnaires.
Finally, on July 26th, Ukraine’s eagle-eyed Security Service (SBU) uncovered
a tunnel that was being used for smuggling cigarettes from Ukraine to Slovakia. The concrete-lined affair is 600 metres long, 90 centimetres wide, is electrified, and has tracks. It’s
located some 500 metres from a border guard post and was constructed
in full view of the locals living in the area. Clearly, this was no penny-ante
operation run by cheap hoods. This was a big-time deal conducted by criminal
elements in cahoots with the local authorities and border guards. Might
higher-ups in Kyiv also be involved? Why not? Think of the tunnel as a way of
bypassing tenders. Who knows? Maybe the tunnel even extends from the border to
the Presidential Palace in Kyiv. Come to think of it, is that why Kyiv’s public
places were recently declared smoke-free? But wait! Maybe the tunnel goes on to
the Kremlin, and maybe that’s how Putin and Yanukovych really meet?
Thank God that Ukraine closes down for August. Another month like
July and "Yanukostan" would become Dadaist.